nothing-ness, i feel like Seinfeld...

Today I write about nothing...the weather is horrible and I have to golf in a charity tournament...

well i guess it could be worse!! (LOL)

I am going to go and enjoy my day...the kids are all fed and off to school and Wendy is leading a training group for corporate managers in Toronto...so I am bachin' it...(is this how you would spell that??)

I will be in deep meditation as I hit every golf ball with fury as I know that each stroke is benefiting a charity...OK - that is a stretch, but it is a charity tournament so...

It was just confirmed that I will be involved in HEAVENS REHEARSAL at the Rogers Centre on November 1st...for more information go to the Heavens Rehearsal website...google it!

well that is all the pontification I can muster today...talk soon,

Kevin

well, anything yet - YOU PROMISED!!

ok - all i got is this...wait!! prayer, meditation, pacing the floor, longing...all of these things have not made this situation draw to a conclusion any faster (I will share the entire story when it is settled)

In prayer today i had a few things that stood out, and for me that are very powerful! There is one that I want to share...

"Be anxious for nothing..." This is a crazy scripture!! Crazy good!! Just incredibly hard to do!!

When i look at my present situation and the details of my life and my families life...I cannot help but, in the natural, be anxious! I have been pretty transparent in my blogs and that will always continue...but some details do not need to be public...suffice it to say, my family is healthy, we are together and in a good place...but our bank accounts are not as healthy!!

Anxiousness seems to be my only constant! I go to sleep with a knot in the pit of my stomach and wake up with my friend still firmly planted in my belly!! PLEASE - I am not looking for pity or trying to make a plea for anything...JUST SHARING!!!

How do we take that knot of anxiousness and throw it away? How do we be anxious FOR NOTHING!??? I really think that focus has a lot to do with it...I am trying so hard not to think about the issues that are making me anxious...that I focus on nothing else!!

God is asking for my attention, He can speak peace into a situation...BUT i don't want His peace I simply want His solution!!! PEACE that God gives takes away anxiety and replaces that void with HIM!! OH HOW I NEED TO LEARN THAT!!!

The other part of this that drives me crazy is the spiritual games that I play with myself. Am I doing the right thing? If I was, would not everything be going better? Am I hearing God??

In devotions this morning I was sharing how this week, God really seemed to use me to speak into a few lives at GDD Camp Week (go to www.gospelsduets.com)...then Wendy said this...

If you can hear from God to speak in to lives and He can use you to do ministry...than maybe you are hearing Him...If you are told to go straight and you are going straight, why do you always question if going straight is right or not? The person giving the directions will tell you when it is time to turn!

SO - I continue to go straight - confused, YES, frustrated, YES! - but until the creator of all that is tells me to turn - I will continue to go straight!!

Talk to you soon,

Kevin

ok this isn't funny anymore...

Answers come slowly when you are waiting for them!!

I remember the drive to Braeside camp as a kid seemed...it felt like such a LONG ride. I was always looking forward to being there. I had friends from all over Ontario there. Friends I didn't see anywhere else, just camp! My mind was already there playing and hanging out, before we even left the house. Strangely enough, when we would be on our way home the ride seemed to take no time at all! I didn't want to go...i did not want to reach the destination!!

Then there was Christmas Eve...the longest night in the world!!!! I would wake up at 2, 3 , 5 and then 6am...I would never go back to sleep...anticipating the incredible morning that seemed to never want to arrive!!! The day...after the presents seemed...well, a little faster!!

I have felt a little like that over the last couple days, weeks and months!! Actually it has been 8 months....

Dreams that I truly believe God placed inside of me, have been placed on hold while God molds me and teaches me and trains me and...OK - I am good!! I have had enough character building to last a lifetime!!!!!!!!

Seriously, the things that I have learned...the places emotionally I have had to go and the things I have seen have completely changed me...my motives, my plans, the reasons why - have all come into focus!! HIS WILL, HIS TIMING, HIS ANSWER - NOT MINE!!!

I submit to HIS Will and HIS TIMING!!!! I will take a bullet to see JAMES 1:27 become my life!! I am sick of living for me!! I want HIS purpose for my life and I feel that this last 8 months of HELL, have been the greatest testing ground of my life!

Now, I am not suggesting that my testing ground is any harder than yours...this blog, these stories and this reality for me has NEVER been about comparison. There are many many millions of people that go through a lot harder stuff...but from my perspective, God has challenged me, stretched me, even taken things from me - so that i would be ready to deal with what is about to transpire...

I can only tell you at this point...the end is near, the fat lady is warming up, and i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pardon...what's that...oh cool, that fat lady is entering the building...she is about to take centre stage!!!!! OH HOW I WANT TO BE READY!!!

SO - the announcement will be postponed for another couple days...It will be worth the wait!! I PROMISE YOU!!

kp

perspective

as i get closer to the end of this crazy years journey, i am forced to look back at the way I have dealt with the stress and the ups & downs emotionally...

for the most part, I think i did ok??!
I did not commit murder...that' s a good thing.
I did not run out on my family...positive!
I did not beat my kids...they are very pleased about that!!
I did not lose my faith...in fact it is stronger than ever.

So...the list of "i did not's" can be fairly large and I can take comfort in those...BUT what DID I do!???

Not doing things is not always the only goal. I do not want to spend my life being pleased that I did not blow up buildings, when in fact I did not build anything significant!!!

I can see it now...RIP - Kevin did nothing to anyone and lived a harmless life!~

I know that along the way, i will have hurt someone, been unkind and will have offended someone, if not many! None of those things are good or intentional...BUT if we are to endure life and come out the other side better for the experience...we then need to do something!!! If hardships are to make us better, we cannot settle for mediocrity anymore. The status quo will not cut it...just not being really bad, will not satisfy anymore!!!

SO - if this last year has been a tough journey, and if this TOUGH journey is coming to a conclusion, than where will it lead me??

Will it lead me to not be as judgmental?
Will it lead me to be more compassionate to those in need?
Will it force me to think of others first?
Will my life become less important, and other's more important?
Will i give more away to those in need than ever before?
Will I be a better ambassador for the Gospel?
Will it lead me to be a better father?
Will it lead me to be a better husband?
Will i handle my finances better?
Will I be known for being a man of my word?
Will I...this list goes on!!

I do not want to stand in this valley and see the mountain...and then forget!! I NEED to learn from this, I need to take this and have God infuse it into my spirit. God can take these journey's and make them points of reference in our life...I want that!! I do not wan to be the same...I want to be better...or none of this was worth it.

I need to be closer to God!
I need to be a better friend!
I need to be slow to speak, and careful when I do...i need to be a man of my word!! I am not doing well on that front! This is a good time to change...

Perspective...I want this time to give me a fresh perspective...One where others are put first and God is in the centre of it all!! If after all that has gone on this year...those couple things are fruit...THAN I AM HAPPY!!!

To God be the glory!

Kevin

a wonderful "beyond the veil" moment

November 2005, Beyond The Veil won CANADIAN RECORDING OF THE YEAR -PEOPLES CHOICE @ The Hamilton Music Scene Awards...Just came across this picture...Good Memories

Beyond The Veil was Tony Fisher, Rodney Hamilton and Kevin Pauls...the CD was produced by Mike Noack and it will be re-released nationally January 2009!! Look for it!

my weird hopeful day PART 2

OK...have you ever heard that silly saying..."here i sit broken hearted, paid a dime...yada yada yada..."

well it's not that way...totally!! I have had a huge breakthrough, but I cannot tell it to anyone until next week!! LONG STORY!!! I cannot wait to share it with you all (ya'll for my southern friends) This story is almost a year in the making and a few ulcers, "almost" heart attacks, and numerous sleepless nights. All evidence points in the direction of a breakthrough...I've already said too much!

Talk soon...
kevin

today is about nothing, just ranting...

Well, I don't really have anything specific to say today...you see, today is a fairly big day for me. I have so much riding on today. Months of waiting, months of not sleeping, months of wondering if this is true...months of, well - HOPING. I know you are curious and maybe if today works out as it should, I will fill you all in on this mystery...but as I write this, the thought occurred to me to discuss the HOPING aspect of this....HOPE -what is hope based on? What is your hope in?

For the last 7 months, my hope has been in man and a little in God. I thought that God was asking me to be hopeful and trust - while my eyes stayed firmly on the conduit rather than the supplier of the HOPE! Even though I was looking as though I had great faith in God, I wonder if my faith started to turn towards man?? It is easy to have your focus move from God to man...you physically see man, God...not so much!

I know with my head that God is ever present in my everyday life, I believe that He want the best for me...and yet I continue to struggle with so many things!? Interesting...am I not in tune with Him...is this just a prolonged season in my life, am I so stubborn that I keep making the same mistakes...hold on - wait a minute...could it be...NO!! WELL...MAYBE it's me being a stubborn fool!!!?? OUCH!

Maybe I am the worst kind of fool, the one that just does not learn from my mistakes. Maybe God is not letting me down, maybe it's just me continuing to do the same things over and over and over and over...etc...

No, it couldn't be that...could it!!!????

have a great day...i will let you know if today turned out the way it was supposed to???

kevin

a full day of Judging...

I just finished a full day judging for the TV show Gospel Dynamic Duets. The entire premise of the show is to basically find the most talented Gospel singers in Canada...The biggest problem is trying to decipher between good vocals and "annointing" or "calling"

My thoughts are like this...We can judge your voice, not your annointing...BUT, if you have not been gifted in a certain area and then say you are...and your voice is no good??? How do you address that? We often pull the GOD card when we want to do something we are not good at. We often encourage mediocrity when it is done with passion or "annointing"!!

If you can't sing...you can't sing. Find another place to minister. If you can't preach, stay out of the pulpit, if you lose your cool when you work with kids, don't teach Sunday School...I'm just saying!! (that is an inside joke)

PLEASE stop telling everyone that God has gifted you for something HE clearly had nothing to do with!!!

alright enough said...

Have a great weekend!!

Kevin

will i be let down...again!!

Well, here i sit at the edge of another cliff wondering if God in all of His wisdom knows what He's doing...Imagine the arrogance it takes to get to this place. How dare I suggest my agenda is better or what I need. How dare I suggest that I know the direction I need to go. How dare I suggest that my timing is...of course, the right timing!!

I am learning so much through these tests and trials!! I love to know that no matter what I do or how badly I screw this up, HE is always there. Picking me up, dusting me off and telling me not to be so stupid next time...knowing full-well I will be!!

I know that for me, a feeler, an impulsive person that wants to please people...i tend to look for the fix all the time, when sometimes there is no fix! Sometimes you just blew it and there is no recovery. Other times you need to pray and ask God for direction and HE will find a way...

Either way, God is always there. I think that is the amazing thing. I FEEL as though God has been absent so often lately. He brings you to the edge, drops you and then laughs as you hit the ground (ok - i know He isn't laughing at me...) I don't suggest that I have any clue as to how the ruler of the world works, but I do know one thing for sure - HE DOES WORK!!!

I would rather not feel Him and Trust HIM, then live life as thought He doesn't exist or care. I don't care if everything I want or desire is torn away from me - I WILL STILL CHOOSE TO FOLLOW HIM!!

So today Lord...lead me to the edge, let me fall...and if you allow me to hit rock bottom I know you will be there to pick me up, and if you catch me I will continue to exalt you...My circumstances will not dictate my level of devotion to you...TODAY - I commit everything to you...EVERYTHING!!! yes that too...!!!!

This blog is not coming from a place of desperation or a painful circumstance...it's just my attempt to come to grips with the fear that HE won't come through the way I want Him to...BUT that is not up to me - is it??

Live today as if it were the last day of your life!! Just make sure God is a part of it!!

in the long - run, when all is said and done, you will clearly see that God did not let you down...He is with you ALL the way!

until next time,
Kevin

The first blog...

To get some background on my other blogs and notes goto my facebook page...but this is now going to be my official BLOG!!!

Those of you just tuning in...WELCOME! here we go....

OK - i have had an interesting summer to say the least. I have endured hard times and I have had some incredible times. I want to start from this premise...
1. Jesus Christ is in fact my Saviour!
2. I do trust HIM only!!
3. I plead for HIS wisdom and guidance more than anything
4. My life is not my own, I am simply a vessel to do what HE has called me to
5. This BLOG/NOTES is my transparent confession of how I live out my faith!

You know it is funny, each blog or note that I write taken on it's own will only give the reader a glimpse into a moment of my life...I want to allow those of you that do not know me to get a BIG picture of who I am and what I stand for...

The first thing I want you to understand is this - I am nothing without Jesus Christ in my life!! Anything I have I owe to HIM and anything I accomplish is only by HIS grace!! I have chosen to die to self and allow Christ to live in me!!

NOW - having said that...I am not very good at living that out everyday...That is one of the reasons I write this blog. I love being able to be open and honest and just tell it like it is...even if it appears that I have lost my mind or my salvation!!!

Often times in the church, leaders (without really trying to do this...) present this front of perfection. They would never state it as such, and they would correct you if you suggested that...BUT the reality of it is this...We do not talk about our feelings of disappointment, or our feelings of being ticked off with God, or our feelings of being confused. Without meaning to we have built a culture inside the church that says "live up to this standard or else do not come in..." then we mess up, look like hypocrites and give many an excuse not to want what we have!!

My goal in writing this is to allow dialogue about the disappointments of life as well as the joy and peace we find in HIM!

If you take any piece of the Bible on it's own you can create a very misguided theology. BUT - when taken as a piece of the whole and understood in context it all makes sense!!

Often we make choices that are right and pure and Godly - they do not always FEEL great though. Our flesh rises up and challenges us!! If we are not honest with ourselves we can fall into Satan's trap...

SO - what is my point today? Well I guess it is to give you a better glimpse of who I am and why i write these notes...

Especially when I am front of people so much, my music and my life need to be authentic. I never want to be a different person off the stage and on it! I don't want to have to live my life wondering...who am i today, is this STAGE Kevin or just me?? I also want to make sure you know that I mess up all the time, make poor decisions, and the list goes on!!

I also want to live my spiritual struggles out in the open...I figure if I am feeling it, than most people have or are currently feeling it too!!

I pray that my rantings and musings and thoughts are uplifting - though provoking - troubling sometimes and yes, every once in a while - AMUSING!!!

till i feel inspired again!! have a great day...and welcome to the start of school!!

Kevin