todays thoughts...

OK - I have to admit...i am not in the most upbeat frame of mind. I am not "peachy-keen"! There are a lot of things I wish I had the answers for. A lot of things that don't seem to add up. I know I am not the only one that doubts...that questions, that wonders why? Am I?? NO, I don't think so...

grab a coffee and join my journey...you need java for this discussion! OK - get up. get the coffee, drive to Starbucks or Tim Hortons if you have to...the words will not move 'till you get back!

READY? COFFEE IN HAND?? Alright...where to begin...

Have you ever had someone you trust, I mean really trust, tell you they would call...and did not call? What about someone that you know and love, that tells you that they are coming over for dinner and then you cook the meal only to have them call 10 minutes after they were supposed to be there and tell you they totally forgot!! I mean your best friend...I'm talkin' 25 years, we grew up together - did everything together kind of best friend...best man at each other's wedding kind of best friend...just calls you and says he is moving away and never wants to talk to you again...

I am talking "out of the blue" kind of "2x4 up the side of the head" kind of bad day...Have you ever experienced a day like that? Have you ever been side swiped and did not see it coming? I think it is fair to say that we have all been there. When that kind of devastation happens between friends and family it is very hurtful, but when you think that God is the one with the 2x4 it leaves you asking a lot of questions...

I don't know if this last year and a half is all about turning 40 and going through mid-life stuff...I don't know if I just need to get in better physical shape and I will feel better...I have never felt so abandoned by God - and yet I have felt very used by him (in a good way) - let me explain!

I feel completely thrown away at times. He feels so distant in my prayers and I don't feel like He is hearing me at all. THEN - I will find out that songs I have sung, things I said from the stage or at my table have touched a life in a dramatic way. Things that could have only been from God...

I feel useless and that my life has amounted to very little and that I have let my family down - yada yada yada...THEN - I see my babies being baptized and being leaders in their youth group and playing the guitar and singing worship songs in their rooms without me prompting them!

God I feel as though I have messed things up in my life so dramatically that you couldn't possibly use me...I have let people down, I have not followed through with all my promises, I have been a bad friend, I have not loved as I should, I am selfish, I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind as ROMANS 12 talks about...I feel as though this 41 year old man is just learning what it means to truly be...truly be true to all that is inside of me! Romans 7 talks about doing the things we do not want to do...I got that part down!!

WAIT - that was just a very big diversion...get back on track...or was I on track!! Let me explain what is going on in my brain...(this may take a while!!)

I do have some of the "I'm 41 and useless" going on in my mind. But there is more to it. I truly believe GOD has birthed dreams and visions of what He wants for me. I am trying everything I know...everything I can to walk and make those dreams a reality. NOW - here is the problem...I truly believe that they are from the LORD. I believe God planted these dreams and visions...SO - when they do not happen as simply as I wanted them to I question WHY??!! Am I messing up the dream because of my life? Is my sin a road block? Are my imperfections side swiping the will of God? Am I just not ready for the "plan He has for me" or what? Do I need more lessons to be learned?? Did I hear the plan right in the first place??

So in the midst of feeling useless and trying to understand God's plan...He somehow uses me, when I don't even know it. He gives me wisdom when I never saw that coming. When hard questions are asked He gives me words of encouragement that I NEVER would have thought of. He gives me opportunity to love and to show love...

EVEN when I feel as though I am totally useless He reminds me that He can use a jack-ass...like me!!

You do not have to have it all together to be used by our God! You do not have to feel as though you are in tune...to hear from the Almighty! In the very depths of life...in the pits that feel like you are really struggling...God will find you and pour life into you, even without you knowing it!! HE NEVER LEAVES YOU!!! It just feels like it sometimes. Then when you least expect it...you see a finger...you hear a whisper...you feel the touch, that is unmistakeably God, and even though you don't understand, you rest in the fact that He is there...

SO - conclusion...??? If life is hitting you with a 2x4...know this - it is OK to doubt (Carolyn Arends, her article in Faith Today reminded me of that!), it is OK to feel as though God and you are not connecting. It is OK to feel as though He has abandoned you...God has big shoulders, and you can scream at Him and question Him and ask why!!! ALL DAY!!! JUST REMEMBER THIS...He is the creator of everything, He made us, and yes that includes YOU! His timing, His purposes are not always understood...BUT He is still God, and He is with you always!!

Now...you can put your coffee down, hug your kids, your spouse or your teddy bear...clear your mind and listen. Listen for that whisper, watch for the finger and wait for His touch...HE IS ALWAYS NEAR!!!

kp

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