New Beginnings...AGAIN for the 3rd time...again!?!!

Well I am sure many of you, like me, are sick of "new beginnings". At least in my life, the "start over" button has been hit a few times...so I know what you are thinking...really? AGAIN? Welcome to my life!!

Being in this crazy business, and dreaming of music as a career since I was 6 years old...and attempting it since I was 16...things don't always go as planned. Well, at least that has been my experience. A few years ago my wife Wendy Pauls and I hit CNTRL + ALT + DEL in our lives. We were ready to hang it up...I was willing to never sing again. I WAS DONE!!

The next few years were painful and were very soul searching. I did not know how we would get to the next step. I did not know if I would sing again. I did not know how I could jumpstart my career...I was totally spent!!

Well...where do I begin...??

Wendy and I are almost ready to reveal to the world what NEXT looks like. We have been busy planning, putting in the work and making sure things are ready to hit the ground running.

Its been a long time coming...I cannot wait to reveal everything to you...not yet - BUT SOON!!

It's a big deal for me. It's a big deal for Wendy. I pray that this venture will be a big deal to you too...stay tuned!!

Kevin

Good Intentions

Well... I HOPE that this will be the start of a more consistent blog. I have a lot to say and often allow the inspiration to leave me before I have a chance to write it down. Good planning eh? or lack thereof.

How many things in my life started out as - " a-good-intention"! I hate that term..."good intention". I have way too many things in my life that started out with the right motivation and ended up going nowhere. Either lack of follow through, lack of planning or maybe just the fact that I figured out it was a terrible idea. I have often spoken before running the idea through my brain...which often leads to disaster! I have never intentionally let people down...however, the person being let down doesn't necessarily care about my motivation!! I have hurt people, I have frustrated people and I have caused people not to think very highly of me...all because of "good intentions"! THAT SUCKS!

For many years I have followed a pattern...I have consistently done the same things over and over and incredibly, thought the results would get better! Isn't that the very definition of insanity...(that does explain a lot!)

About 20 months ago...after the worst 2 years of my career... I knew something had to change. I sat at my desk and tried to honestly ask myself some very hard questions. After over 30 years of doing music...after many years of investing time energy and finances...why am I no further ahead? Why am I still struggling...Why is there no room for creativity anymore...Why am I still in survival mode? WHY WHY WHY? Well...I came to the conclusion I was, in fact, "insane". I looked back over the years and thought of the many times that I had, in fact, let people down...let myself down, spoke too quickly, not followed through etc...I kept doing the same thing thinking that THIS time it will be different. WOW! That really hit me. I did not think I had lived my life like that...but it appeared that I had!

So...I determined that I was going to approach each decision in my life like this:
1. What would "Kevin" do?
2. DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE!

That was my strategy. I didn't say that thing I was going to say. I didn't make that call I was going to make. I wrote that letter I was NOT going to write. I was going to plan and think about the idea I was just going to do...As often as I could - I would try to respond very differently than I had over the last 30 years...

Now I would love to tell you that I have not blown it at all over the last 20 months or so...That is not the case...however, The number of "let downs" have greatly decreased. Learning to be a better version of myself is not an easy task. Taking stock into the "inner me" is not always pleasant. However, the results of digging and finding uncomfortable answers have allowed me to start the process of being better.

I am becoming:
1. A man of my word
2. A man that follows through
3. A man who does what he says

I am becoming...I am not there yet...I am becoming! This is a journey...

What hard answers could you find in your own life that could change the trajectory of your future? Look deep inside. Ask those that love you what they think. I am trying to become Kevin 2.0...It started with some soul-searching, then it started an outward change that is slowly sinking deep into my daily life.

Hard, difficult and uncomfortable answers were the start of my new journey...I would love to hear your story.

-Kevin Pauls

Vulnerability - what happens when the lights go out?

It has been far too long since I wrote anything. I have taken some time to realign myself. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically - I am not the same person I was back in 2014, 2015 or even the start of 2017. Something changed. Something finally moved me to change. Real change. Real Change? YES...I can actually say REAL change. I don't need to get into the entire reason, and all the specific aspects of change - but there has been a deep change within my spirit, my emotions and this has helped to transform my physical. I often would say to my bride, "The outside is more closely related to the inner spiritual well being than we think" "The outside is often a reflection of the inner person". I knew (or least I thought) there was a direct correlation between our physical well being and our inner spiritual and emotional well being. Now, obviously, there are circumstances that would make this theory seem impossible...however, no matter what your physical limitations are, I still believe this applies. It is not based on appearance, or physical prowess or ability. It is based on how we feel and see ourselves. NOW - let me get personal for a moment...Applying this theory to your own life will look very different than it does in my life - I just hope you resonate with the idea...and perhaps it can lead you in a direction that can cause change...if that is what you are after. For me...I have felt over the last 10-15 years that I was working on about 80% of my ability while feeling like I was working at 120% of my capacity! I allowed procrastination to start taking over. I avoided things that were uncomfortable. I avoided the unpleasant, which allowed my immediate circumstances to fool me into a belief that "everything was going to be alright!" I watched people around me hide. I learned what it was to avoid conflict and thus carried all the burdens by myself...I did not want to burden my wife...burden anyone else. Interestingly, when looking back, I realized that was not out of a motive that was to "keep others from worrying" it was a very selfish motive - I did not want anyone to know how stupid I was being!!. I lived with a knot in my stomach most days. I slept poorly. I was anxious. I was very rarely "present" in conversations or personal interactions. I missed a lot of great moments because my mind was elsewhere. I used all my creative energy figuring out ways to fix my problems rather than applying that creativity to my craft. I was slowly killing the joy in my life. I would get angry quickly. It affected how I talked to my wife and my kids...it was like a cancer in my spirit. Late into 2015, when Wendy and I were in the middle of the "year from hell", something hit me...it was called "ROCK BOTTOM!" I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I could not pretend I could fix this anymore...I was DONE! It has been a long process, but the essence of the lesson was this...the more vulnerable I became. The happier I became! The more all my wounds and scars and screw-ups were brought to the light...the less I had to hide...in fact, I hid no longer!! I owned my patheticness, my mistakes, my woundedness...the more broken I became, the more restored I felt. I have never felt the hand of God more than I did when I allowed myself to be COMPLETELY BROKEN. My relationship with my wife grew...it got better and better and better. We became a team, I felt as though I didn't have to carry the burden alone...the light at the end of the tunnel has reappeared. So, let me get back to the correlation between the outside me and the inside me. in January of this year, since I started at Crossroads and was on Huntley Street - things started to change...not because I was on TV but the effect of my vulnerability started to take over. My spirit started to feel different. My emotions were starting to heal. My outside started to not feel aligned with my inside. I lost some weight, I radically changed my hair. I felt that my mind was clear for the first time in a long while. My attitude was different. I was present...change just started to manifest itself. I wanted something different. I WANTED TO CHANGE!!! I had allowed myself to hide for so long...feeling like I was a loser...like I had not lived up to the potential I was told I had...feeling less than sucks!! It shows itself in many ways...mine showed up - spiritually, emotionally and physically. When the lights on the stage went out - I did not like myself very much. It took a lot for me to learn that - it cost me far more than I would have wanted it to...however...now that I am on the other side...the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter...there is hope...there is a joy. I am present. I love my family better. I am ready to live the second half of my life much better!! So, the lights are out and I am lying in my bed...for the first time in a long time...I AM OK WITH THAT!

Todays Inspiration

I just finished watching a video on Facebook. I am constantly blown away by the generosity of those in need. I have seen many videos, and have experienced it first hand...those in need often are the ones that give the most. I have traveled for years and spoken on behalf of World Vision, and recently Food For The Hungry. I am often taken aback when those who have desperate stories, and really hard/tough circumstances come back to the table and sponsor a child or give some money...it catches me off guard. I know how much I have been given and am always challenged to do more. I don't have a lot and find myself becoming increasingly "self-focused". When the need is there, it can become all you see. You stop looking to help others. You become isolated and you forget to live a life of extreme generosity. I have become guilty of that. I don't need to get into the details of my situation, but it is clear to me that focusing on my issues has stopped me from being "others focused". It has stopped me from being who Jesus created me to be. I am not supposed to be a great singer (although I hope to achieve that one day), I am not put on earth to do great things, or achieve great wealth or become famous or buy more stuff...I firmly believe that I was created to shine the light of Jesus Christ so bright, that people don't see me, but they see the Father! (through action - LOVE) I have become ME focused. I have been so worried about my circumstances that I have forgotten about those around me. My wife, my kids, my friends, my neighbours, those around me, those I don't event know. My prayer today is simple...Allow me to care more about others, than my own circumstances! Today, allow me to have the privilege of praying for others, caring for others, thinking of others, giving to others. Allow me to take time for others, to listen, to genuinely care. I am called to LOVE. I pray today that I love others more than myself. AMEN.

Happy Sailing! The tension of life...

Making decisions...overthinking it...reading into everything that happens...looking for the "sign"...is it just me, or do we tend to over analyze things? I know I sure do...over analyze that is! I want to take a step back from my current direction in life - take stock in what has worked and move forward into my 50's (yeah I said it - it's not that far away!) with a clear direction that will allow us to achieve some goals that my wife and I have. So, in doing that - I over think it. In the past - I have tried to do the same things over and over - hoping each time - I would do them better...NOW - I am trying to do some very different things and expecting a different result! That makes sense, right? I want to take a new approach and see if we can make some progress...but every time I have an idea, or a thought - I then take it to prayer...I try to hear from God and then make a decision. That's when the problem arises... I need to hear from God, without the filter of my own desires! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!! I know that there are some that feel so spiritually superior - they would tell you that they can clearly hear from God (all the time) in spite of their own ideas. Well, I am here to tell you that I don't always get it right! (SHOCKER!) Taking a step back...taking stock in my life...in my career...making decisions that are good for me and my family - while still striving to be a follower of Christ -- IS NOT THAT SIMPLE! It is easy to get caught up in financial worries, money goals, material things, trips that you want, philanthropic endeavours...etc...it all starts to flow together and finding the heart of God in the middle of that is often elusive. I want to be financially secure, I want to take my wife to Italy for a month, I want to tour the world, I want to help those that are in need, I want to be a light in a dark world, I want to represent Jesus well...All of those things go together right? They don't need to mutually exclusive - do they? Can we go after our dreams, while following Christ? Can we put others first while trying to climb the "corporate" ladder or live the "American-Dream?" Where is the balance? Is there a balance? How do you reconcile all of these questions? So many questions and so few solid answers. You see, in my humble opinion, there is no correct answer! This is the tension that we live with. The culture we live in pulls us, the people we surround ourselves with influence us, the God we serve directs us...the goals we have, compel us to act - somewhere in the middle of all of this - we find a heart that wants to serve our Creator. In all the noise of life, we try to navigate the selfish ambition we all have, with the sacrificial love that Jesus demonstrated for us. That tension is our reality. There are no right or wrong answers to how this is implemented into each individual life. Every heart seems to beat a little differently. I have my career goals, I also have our family goals, I then have the heart of Jesus beating inside of me trying to direct this stubborn man...TENSION - it is just that...As I navigate these tension filled waters, I pray that the wind of the Holy Spirit will continue to allow me to sail straight!! May today be a day you drift a little closer to the wind of the Holy Spirit - HAPPY SAILING! Kevin

Deep thoughts by Kevin Pauls...is this an oxymoron?

I used to love the "Deep Thoughts" excerpt from SNL. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...they were little quotes that were just a little "off"! It is especially effective with the beautiful sound of the piano & strings in the background and the visual of a gorgeous ocean setting. The whole "deep thoughts" idea is only funny when you know what the actual saying is...so when they totally destroy the meaning, you then realize why it's funny. You need to have the original to compare to or the new saying is just odd! right? My deep thought today came when I was driving my daughter to work. We were talking and my twisted mind went straight to deep theology...really, coffee in hand, 8:15am, beautiful sunny morning, driving my daughter (whom I love to death) and my mind goes to "deep thoughts"! Really...I am not this bright. I am not normally a "thinker"...this is not like me!! seriously! I am a little worried... My mind went to the word sin. Sin is this scary word. Sin holds all kinds of meaning to Christians. It is amazing the meanings we get from this word. by definition: "an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law" Wow...it's nice to know that it is that specific! LOL!! I am so glad that we all define those acts the same. I am so glad that we are in agreement to what the "divine laws" are. I am so happy to know this has not caused any concern or division within the church. (I hope that you were able to pick up on the sarcasm...I was laying it on pretty thick!!) We were (my daughter and I) talking at this time about the LGBT community and that we both know some that are also followers of Christ, while within the LGBT community. Now I am not interested in the debate about the "right-ness" of this. Only want to bring up the point that this can be a VERY divisive topic!!!! (you think?!) SIN - is not easily defined. Lifestyle, moral conduct, loving our neighbor, treating each other with respect, war, violence, looking after the poor, sexual orientation, sex before marriage, drinking, smoking, long hair, make-up, harsh language and the list goes on! We so desperately want to know who is "saved" and who is not!! We (the church) for years have taken scripture out of context to back up a rule we needed to implement. We have often taken our own bias and placed it on others so we could call them on their "sin". We have sometimes just made rules because we THINK it is the right thing to do... (i know that this would never happen in the church!! LOL) Now, before you get concerned that I am trying to justify an action or actions, let me tell you my deep thought! NOTE: after many years of learning and studying and trying to hear the heart of God...this is my "deep thought" It is a work in progress and this is not the finished thesis...but this is the beginning of what I hope will be a life transforming theology taken out of scripture

Deep Thought: LOVE EVERYONE YOU MEET!

If we do this well...the RULES will not matter anymore. Love well today!

The blog of comfort...

Today...well I just finished a 5,000 step walk. Walked and prayed and thought. I am trying to change a lot of things about my life. The way I act, react, daily activities, thought life, prayer life, daily focus, my anger, the way I treat my wife and kids, the way I treat the environment, ok - the list is VERY LONG! There is a lot of things to change. I use to be comfortable with who I was. I use to think that I was ok. When I say OK, I don't mean in a "look at me" sort of way...but I thought that what I did every day, and the way I treated people and how I treated myself was...OK. The very fact that I was OK, or comfortable with my response to the world around me on a daily basis tells me that I needed to change. Now let me establish something. I do not feel any compulsion to change for "salvation" purposes...I am saved by Grace miraculously...So this is not some way of earning my salvation or paying penance for things I have not done well...this is a desire to be more like Jesus in every aspect of my life. You see the problem was that I did not feel an urgency to change for a long time. I knew that I should be a better husband, a better father, a better lover of people...I knew that I should be more disciplined, I should eat better, be in better shape, be better at so many things. This is actually exciting for me. I am feeling an inner compulsion to be better. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel that I am being urged to do something I don't want to do...I truly feel that the love of God and HIS grace has been so amazing to me...I am wanting to grow and be more like HIM! It really is the way it needs to be. I don't want to do things out of guilt, I don't want to live out of a "should do" attitude, I want to be better because I truly have an inner desire to be better!! It's different for everyone...that line of what needs to change and what you are ok with...I am not here to judge or draw that line for anyone else. The church has tried to do that for a long time and it has failed miserably. For me...this has been a long journey...and one that is not nearly done! My comfort has been replaced with a deep sense of desire to be more like Him! Jesus is finally after 48 years ALLOWED to change me!! He has been in my life - all my life - however, I have only given Him pieces to work on...I have never wanted Him to change all of me. 2015 for me was the best year of my life...it was also the MOST HORRIFIC YEAR OF MY LIFE!!! The reason my perspective is changing is because I am starting to see the fruit of real change in my life. I have slowed down enough to allow the Creator of the Universe to speak to me. I have taken the frustration, the hurt and the complete humiliation of 2015 (it's a long story - buy my book next year!!) and allowed Jesus to heal me in many places in my life. I have also tried something new...I have tried to change. I have taken the emotions and the hurt and all that goes with it and gave them back to Jesus. I do not need to carry that weight. I do not need to pretend I can fix it. I am not capable of changing the past, but I am able to allow Jesus to carry it for me! He was humiliated, He was beaten, He was frustrated and hurt...HE KNOWS how is feels, and He knows how to help me grow from it... SO...I am no longer comfortable. I am no longer OK, with the way I live my life. I have personally met with Jesus, and HE has radically changed my desires...I now am on a path of growth. I am going to try some things that are different..hoping for a different result. I am not in search of riches or fame. I am seeking to be more like my Saviour. To do that, I must not be comfortable! Here's to growing pain!! Kevin