"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO"

Have you ever found yourself in the position of "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO?" During this quarantine, as the landscape of our society changes, my potential for touring and doing concerts and events has STOPPED! I am looking at the process of reBranding myself, figuring out how to do things differently. In the midst of that process...there are many times when it looks like it will never work! I have days of complete and utter frustration..."I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!!!"

I know that my industry is not the only one forced to completely rethink how they move forward. I know this time has created anxiety for the future of a LOT of industries. SO, I can't be alone in this. I am not the only one who feels as though I had no idea what the future will look like!!! So...NOW WHAT?

I want to make sure that I keep things in perspective. I am healthy...I have a wife that loves me (most days! LOL), kids that still want to hang out with their parents, grandkids that love their Papa...SO...the basics are good! The foundational elements of my life are in good working order. THAT MATTERS! I still have hope for the future...I still have plans and things I am working on...I still have dreams for what's next...but..."I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!"

Will the plans I have create enough revenue to pay my bills?
Will the ideas I have come to fruition...and will they have revenue attached to them?
Will I be able to pull off the ideas I have?
Do I have what it takes to make this work?
This dream is too big for me!
I NEED SECURITY NOW!
I don't know if this will work...and if it doesn't - THAN WHAT????

Most days I wake up ready to go after the dream...today I woke up wondering if I have what it takes...if I can make things work...Will I screw this up...again!??

Self doubt, woe is me, pity party...yeah, all the things that will NOT help...flood my mind. Today will pass...I know I'm not alone...but it sure feels like it sometimes. The overwhelming thought that I will not be able to pull this off, hits me every once in a while! I have tried things in the past and they did not pan out well. I have let a whole bunch of people down in the past. I have lost a bunch of money...and other peoples money - going for what I thought was a great idea...now..."I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO".

Tomorrow I might not think this way...in fact, by the end of the day my perspective may change...or I could feel this way for a few days...IT'S MY CHOICE!!! I cannot allow past results to dictate my future. I have a choice. It's an easy choice...I want to choose to be enough...to have what it takes...to finally make things work...BUT my past wants to step out in the middle of the road and say...You can't make this happen! You don't have what it takes...

Well..I may not have what it takes. I may not make things work the way I want them to.

I don't want to end there. I always want to be able to spin this into an encouraging post to give you HOPE! That would not be real...That would not reflect my mindset at this moment...

I will leave it here for today. I will allow myself to feel this, and work through it. This is my reality today. I simply do not know what to do. So, as my beautiful wife taught me - when you don't know what to do next...do the next thing you know to do! SO...here are my steps to work through this today (I am preaching to me!!)

1. Pray & Meditate
2. Connect with God
3. Allow my "gut" to speak to me
4. Ask for wisdom & guidance
5. Make no decisions today.

That's all I have today...

Be well...

Kevin

Vulnerability - what happens when the lights go out?

It has been far too long since I wrote anything. I have taken some time to realign myself. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically - I am not the same person I was back in 2014, 2015 or even the start of 2017. Something changed. Something finally moved me to change. Real change. Real Change? YES...I can actually say REAL change. I don't need to get into the entire reason, and all the specific aspects of change - but there has been a deep change within my spirit, my emotions and this has helped to transform my physical. I often would say to my bride, "The outside is more closely related to the inner spiritual well being than we think" "The outside is often a reflection of the inner person". I knew (or least I thought) there was a direct correlation between our physical well being and our inner spiritual and emotional well being. Now, obviously, there are circumstances that would make this theory seem impossible...however, no matter what your physical limitations are, I still believe this applies. It is not based on appearance, or physical prowess or ability. It is based on how we feel and see ourselves. NOW - let me get personal for a moment...Applying this theory to your own life will look very different than it does in my life - I just hope you resonate with the idea...and perhaps it can lead you in a direction that can cause change...if that is what you are after. For me...I have felt over the last 10-15 years that I was working on about 80% of my ability while feeling like I was working at 120% of my capacity! I allowed procrastination to start taking over. I avoided things that were uncomfortable. I avoided the unpleasant, which allowed my immediate circumstances to fool me into a belief that "everything was going to be alright!" I watched people around me hide. I learned what it was to avoid conflict and thus carried all the burdens by myself...I did not want to burden my wife...burden anyone else. Interestingly, when looking back, I realized that was not out of a motive that was to "keep others from worrying" it was a very selfish motive - I did not want anyone to know how stupid I was being!!. I lived with a knot in my stomach most days. I slept poorly. I was anxious. I was very rarely "present" in conversations or personal interactions. I missed a lot of great moments because my mind was elsewhere. I used all my creative energy figuring out ways to fix my problems rather than applying that creativity to my craft. I was slowly killing the joy in my life. I would get angry quickly. It affected how I talked to my wife and my kids...it was like a cancer in my spirit. Late into 2015, when Wendy and I were in the middle of the "year from hell", something hit me...it was called "ROCK BOTTOM!" I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I could not pretend I could fix this anymore...I was DONE! It has been a long process, but the essence of the lesson was this...the more vulnerable I became. The happier I became! The more all my wounds and scars and screw-ups were brought to the light...the less I had to hide...in fact, I hid no longer!! I owned my patheticness, my mistakes, my woundedness...the more broken I became, the more restored I felt. I have never felt the hand of God more than I did when I allowed myself to be COMPLETELY BROKEN. My relationship with my wife grew...it got better and better and better. We became a team, I felt as though I didn't have to carry the burden alone...the light at the end of the tunnel has reappeared. So, let me get back to the correlation between the outside me and the inside me. in January of this year, since I started at Crossroads and was on Huntley Street - things started to change...not because I was on TV but the effect of my vulnerability started to take over. My spirit started to feel different. My emotions were starting to heal. My outside started to not feel aligned with my inside. I lost some weight, I radically changed my hair. I felt that my mind was clear for the first time in a long while. My attitude was different. I was present...change just started to manifest itself. I wanted something different. I WANTED TO CHANGE!!! I had allowed myself to hide for so long...feeling like I was a loser...like I had not lived up to the potential I was told I had...feeling less than sucks!! It shows itself in many ways...mine showed up - spiritually, emotionally and physically. When the lights on the stage went out - I did not like myself very much. It took a lot for me to learn that - it cost me far more than I would have wanted it to...however...now that I am on the other side...the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter...there is hope...there is a joy. I am present. I love my family better. I am ready to live the second half of my life much better!! So, the lights are out and I am lying in my bed...for the first time in a long time...I AM OK WITH THAT!